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Car Czar, Pay Czar… What Other Czars Do We Need?

Filed in Politics 7 comments

Now that our government has gone Medieval and resurrected the old czar like authority figure, I thought it would be fun to shine some light on industries in need of reform or dysfunctional areas of contemporary American culture that warrant its very own government appointed czar.

This list is part serious, part tongue in cheek.

  1. Car czar.  Done!  Let’s hope Government Motors can become more popular than government cheese.
  2. Pay czar.  Done!  But doesn’t the phrase “Special Master for Compensation” sound like something that requires a safeword and leather chaps?
  3. The Skyrocketing Cost of Education Ezar.  Education costs have outpaced household income several fold since the 1980s.  If we’re a nation that values education and the meritocracy it creates, then we can’t justify price gouging by the institutions whose qualifications allow young adults to punch through glass ceilings.
  4. The Eliminate Highway Congestion Czar.  I don’t know about your state, but it shouldn’t take over a year to pave a 50 mile stretch of highway.  Even better, find ways to get people on mass transit systems instead of filling the air with pollution while we’re put putting along at 10 miles per hour every morning and every evening.
  5. The Anti-Lobbyist Czar.  I’m not exactly sure how much money lobbyists waste on convincing your (and my) Congress persons to go along with their way of thinking, but Congressional support behind new legislation should not directly correlate with political campaign contributions.
  6. The Scam Czar.  Not that the FTC isn’t doing a bang up job, but it just seems they’re always playing catch up.  Those darn commercials are still polluting my brain with their catchy tunes, but it’s still a false advertisement no matter how long it ricochets through my cranium.  The crew at The Consumerist would be perfect for the job.
  7. The Some People Shouldn’t Procreate Czar.  I’m a cynic, and a late to the party believer that mankind is slowly destroying itself since the laws of evolution no longer apply to our species.  So if you want to have children, you must pass an IQ test and prove your offspring will not become the main theme of a future episode of Jerry Springer.
  8. The Sin Tax Czar.  If you participate in activities that consume more resources than average (drive a Hummer, own a McMansion, etc) or will cost the government obscene amounts of health care dollars for something you could have prevented (obesity, smoking, etc), be prepared to see an uptick in your tax bracket or sin taxes paid at the point of sale.
  9. The Bullshit Czar.  Also known as the Truth Czar, or The Purgery Czar, this guy’s sole job is to find and publicly flog anyone who blatantly lies while under the guise of telling the truth.  This czar actively hunts down people of stature in the business, political or academic community that make their living telling false truths.  It doesn’t have to be just statements made under oath.
  10. The ?? ?? ?? Czar.  Leave a comment with your suggestion for newly appointed government czar, and it will appear in this space.  Your blog or Twitter name will be included.
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Posted by CJ   @   13 June 2009 7 comments
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Jun 13, 2009
9:53 am
#1 Donnie :

Perhaps there should be a “Midevil is spelled: Medieval” Czar. :)

Special Master is a weird choice for an official title, though.

And a “Bullshit Czar” would make Fox News much more fun to watch.

Jun 13, 2009
10:08 am
#2 Matt :

Oops… and to think Early European Civ was one of my favorite classes in college. Thanks for the catch.

I think the Bullshit Czar would be a cool job. As for punishment, maybe some sort of public humiliation we can roll into a reality TV show.

Jun 13, 2009
12:43 pm
#3 SJ :

7 makes me laugh…

And 8 is great… tho a rather large field of power.

Maybe for health we should require people to pass a basic physical test for 7

Jun 14, 2009
5:25 am
#4 Mike :

I guess we were thinking along the same lines about this Czar thing, huh?

10. The ?? ?? ?? Czar. Leave a comment with your suggestion for newly appointed government czar, and it will appear in this space. Your blog or Twitter name will be included.

How about The Czar Czar? Someone has to watch over all of these Czars to make sure they’re doing their job right.

Good post!

Jun 14, 2009
1:02 pm
#5 Matt :

@ SJ

Good idea for a health czar. I read something about the Japanese government having a healthy living policy for certain citizens. It’s a possibility, but can you imagine how the junk food lobbyists would react? Yikes!

Jun 14, 2009
1:04 pm
#6 Matt :

@ Mike,

I like it, but wouldn’t the top czar be the President? Or maybe we can give it to Hillary as a conciliation prize!

Jun 16, 2009
2:44 pm
#7 Mike :

Heheh.. I think Hiliary is already the Far Czar as the authority for foreign policy. Maybe the President can recruit Joe Biden for the position.

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